Some lame jokes for today.

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Who's The Boss

Sometime back, Mahathir went on holiday and Anwar was left in charge. Since Mahathir was not around Anwar decided to throw some weight around to show that he is the BOSS now. The day before Mahathir left, he went on an expensive shopping spree. At Lot 10, he spotted a very expensive branded T-shirt with a distinctive word across the chest - Hugo BOSS. He bought it and wore to office the very next day, revealing the word BOSS to everyone.

Suay Suay (unfortunately), Mahathir delayed his flight because of his wife's headache and decided to go back to office to do some work. When he stepped into his office, he caught Anwar by surprise. Anwar then was sitting with his cross-legs up the table, arms behind his head, unbutton coat with the word BOSS right across his chest.

Upon seeing Mahathir he quickly try to cover up with his coat. Mahathir realizing what was happening, he said: "It's OK, it's OK Anwar, I'm on leave you can carry on." Of course Mahathir was furious and went also to LOT 10 to look for something to teach his deputy a lesson. He thought of an idea and bought a branded T-shirt too, to counter Anwar's by wearing it to office that very afternoon without a coat.

Guess what's the brand? (before you scroll down for an answer)










BOSSINI (Translated from Malay:"BOSS SINI" Here's the Boss)

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The guy wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water on the side table.

He sits down and sees his clothing in front of him, all clean and pressed. He looks around the room and sees that it is in a perfect order, spotless clean; as with the rest of the house.

He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table "Honey, breakfast is on the stove. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and sure enough there is a hot breakfast, fresh newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating.

Father: "Son, what happened yesterday?"

Son: "Oh, the usual. You came home after 3 am, drunk and delirious. Broke some furniture, puked in the hallway, and gave mom a black eye."

Father: "So, why is everything in order and so clean, and the food is on the table?"

Son: "Oh that. Mom dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to take your pants off you said "B*tch! Leave me alone, I am married!"

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A Chinese man walks into a bar in America late one night and he sees Steven Spielberg. As he was a great fan of his movies, he rushes over to him, and asks for his autograph.

Instead, Spielberg gives him a slap and says, "You Chinese people bombed our Pearl Habour, get outta here."

The astonished Chinese man replied, "It was not the Chinese who bombed your Pearl Harbour, it was the Japanese".

"Chinese, Japanese, Taiwanese, you're all the same," replied Spielberg.

In return, the Chinese man gives Spielberg a slap and says, "You sank the Titanic, my forefathers were on that ship." Shocked, Spielberg replies, "It was the iceberg that sank the ship,not me."

The Chinese man, replies, "Iceberg, Spielberg, Carlsberg, you're all the same."

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Are U Innocent?

A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, "Johnny what is your problem?

Johnny answered, "I'm too smart for the first Grade. My sister is in the third grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-grade too!"

Ms Brooks had enough. She took Johnny to the principal's office. While Johnny waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was.

The principal told Ms Brooks he would give the boy a test and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the first grade and behave.

She agreed. Johnny was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.

Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Johnny: "9".

Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Johnny: "36".

And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade
should know.

The principal looks at Ms Brooks and tells her, "I think Johnny can go to the third-grade."

Ms Brooks says to the principal, "Let me ask him some questions?"

The principal and Johnny both agree.

Ms Brooks asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?
Johnny, after a moment "Legs."

Ms Brooks: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Johnny: "Pockets."

Ms Brooks: What starts with a C and ends with a T is hairy, oval, and delicious and contains thin whitish liquid?
Johnny: Coconut

Ms Brooks: What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...But Johnny was taking charge.

Johnny: Bubblegum

Ms Brooks: What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?

The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...

Johnny: Shake hands

Ms Brooks: Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?

Ms Brooks: You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up.I get wet before you do.
Johnny: Tent

Ms Brooks: A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored.
The best man always has me first.

The Principal was looking restless and a bit tense.

Johnny: Wedding Ring

Ms Brooks: I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me, you feel good.

Johnny: Nose

Ms Brooks: I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver.

Johnny: Arrow

Ms Brooks: What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?

Johnny: Fire truck

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher, "Send Johnny to University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

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Last night, an incident took place at Boat Quay. What happened was some idiot was trying to show off and declared that he would swim across the Singapore River. He jumped in and started swimming. But before he could reach the halfway mark, he started to panic and started to shout for help.

Being typical Singaporeans, a crowd started to gather to watch and yet no attempt was made by anybody to save that poor chap.

Suddenly there was a splash and the crowd turned to see a guy doing what seemed like a desperate attempt to reach the drowning victim. It was clear that this hero couldn't swim !

Luckily a tongkang filled with tourists was passing by and the operator saw the incident and picked both men from the water. The crowd cheered !

Back on shore, the crowd cheered again as the hero stepped off the tongkang. "Steady Lah !" and "Awright, man !" were among the many congratulations shouted.

The hero looked angry and shouted "Ka ni na! Siang too wa loh chui?" (*%#@! Who pushed me into the water?")

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The Best Salesman Ever!

A young guy moves to Montreal and goes to a big department store looking for a job. The manager asks, "Do you have any sales experience?"
The kid, "Yeah, I was a salesman back home". Well, the manager liked the young man, so he gave him the job. "You start tomorrow. I'll come down after we close and see how you did, but let me give you a bit of advice. If a customer comes looking, say, for toothpaste, you might suggest for him a toothbrush, or shaving cream etc. you get the idea?" "Of course," the young man said.
His first day on the job was rough but he got through it. After the store was locked up, the manager came down. "How many sales did you make today?
The kid says, "One"
The manager groans, "Just one? Our sales people average 20 or 30 sales a day. How much was the sale for?"
The kid says, "$101,237.64."
The manager exclaims, "What? $ 101,237.64? What did you sell him?"
The kid, "First I sold him a small fish hook. Then I sold him a medium fishhook. Then I sold him a larger fishhook. Then I sold him a new fishing rod. Then I asked him where he was going fishing, and he said down at the coast, so I told him he was going to need a boat, so we went down to the boat department, and I sold him that twin engine Chris Craft. Then he said he didn't think his Honda Civic would pull it, so I took him down to the automotive department and sold him that 4X4 Pajero."
The manager says "You mean a guy came in here to buy a fish hook and you sold him a boat and truck?!"
The kid says, "No, no, no, he came in here to buy a box of Kotex for his wife and I said, "Well, since your weekend's already screwed up, you might as well go fishing."

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  :Posted By: Dysfunctional Sadist At ||||||||||11:37 am||||||||||.